When I was in middle school, I suffered from crippling bouts of what I assumed were growing pains. I don’t know if this was something all kids experienced at around the same time, or if it was only my weird, gangly body stretching out, elongating my frame and ruining my afternoons. It came on suddenly and often there was no curing, pausing, or alleviating it. I grew weak in the legs. Not in the knees in the traditional sense that someone says “it made me weak in the knees,” but rather, in the thighs. It was always my quads that felt like they couldn’t support my frame and my arms seemed to weigh three hundred pounds. It took all my effort just to open the fridge, throwing my hands at the handle hoping my fingers knew how to grip still, searching for something– sugar, caffeine, milk, water, to make the discomfort stop. I write all this now because at 4:34 on a Monday afternoon, I am suffering this affliction again. I’m 28 and it stands to reason that I am not growing, but I wouldn’t be mad if I were. My fingers are about the only part of my body I feel like I have any control over as my core is slouched over in exhaustion and my legs are dangling perfectly buoyant from my chair. Why am I writing any of this? Well it’s 235 words to announce that this is likely the final dump and I am growing up and out of this medium. An editor would say I’ve buried the lede and I’d remind you that I have no editor. I’ve been dumping for about five years now. Some of you have received all of them– Firesauce, Alex, Emily– others are more recent– Liz, Joe, Lauren– but all of you have read some amount of my words (in theory) and I hope they have brought you some amount of joy. I am neither retiring from writing nor from scouring the internet in search of interesting news; instead I am retiring from blasting out said stories to the masses. All that said, let us click the final links.
1. I bet that if I searched gmail, I’ve probably dumped close to 200 times. The majority of these dumps were filled with negative stories. It is simply the nature of the internet or at least the internet that I frequent that is wont to inform “us” of all the bad things happening. Let me attempt to rectify this in the final dump by sharing this story from Vox about 26 good things happening on the planet right now. For every” ISIS is running wild, watch out for MERS, Oh no not this” story, there are reminders that it’s not all bad. We have more leisure time than we did in the past, fewer people smoke, teens have fewer babies. People, I know it’s easy to think “We’re all fucked. The world is literally fucked” because whoa there’s some terrible stuff happening, but spend 6 minutes examining these charts and be momentarily swayed that maybe it’s not all bad.
2. As a reminder that it’s “not all that bad, and it could always be worse,” allow me to ask you to spend some time watching this documentary about life in the Congo. Serge Ibaka is a player for the Oklahoma City Thunder and this five part series is about him returning to the Congo for two weeks. I’ve watched the first two parts and there are still three to go. Serge is a 25-year old who is undoubtedly one the biggest stars in his country. His return home is meant to inspire but it also serves to highlight that the burdens we, or at least I have, pale in comparison to that of someone who is expected to provide for not just a family but seemingly an entire country. Many of you have work to do today, so I don’t know when you’re going to watch this, but the five chapter are like 15 minutes each (laden with subtitles) and will give you a look at a part of the world we so rarely hear good things about.
3. I used to be very good at talking. I’m not an extrovert but put me in the right place with the right people and I could hold a conversation with anyone. Living in Qatar has really crippled my ability to do this. I’m like James Caan in Misery after Kathy Bates takes the sledgehammer to his ankles. Banter used to be my walking, now I am left wondering, would it just better if we sat in silence? Rule of thumb, it’s probably not better to be in silence. Conversation is so much fun. It’s what debate is made of! It’s how knowledge is spread. Conversation opens the mind to new ideas and entertaining stories. Kids these days spend all their time reading text messages. Trolling people on the internet, flirting with girls through instagram comments. Take a look around you, we’re all on our phones. When we do talk, men grunt and women use vocal fry. Slate’s Simon Doonan has some suggestions on how to bring back the era of good conversation:
4. Clayton Christensen has made a career talking about disruptive innovation. It’s a theory that’s been around for twenty years and now we’re starting to see more and more of it in all spheres of life. The most notable use of disruption happening today is Ted Cruz’s announcement that he’s running for president. You know what? Good for him. I am glad he is out there running. I like that he made the announcement first on twitter, and second at a convocation at Liberty University. Cruz may be a long shot to win the election or even the nomination, but from what I gather, he wants to shift the political paradigm. I am not sure what his idea of disruption entails, but I am excited that we are kicking off the 2016 campaign with a little thunder. I remember when Jon Huntsman announced his nomination in 2012. It was him, riding a motorcycle across the desert of Utah wearing some sweet leather. Now. Twitter. Snapchat 2020?
5. An update, for those of you concerned (or interested…) I am single. This probably has a lot to do with the Kathy Bates to my James Caan as mentioned previously, but also because I am frankly not sure I know what dating looks like anymore. Any of you on tinder? I am. I was. No, I am. I’m on it, but Tinder in Qatar is about as active and vibrant as Niagara Falls in January of this year. The opposite sex eludes me here in Qatar but that doesn’t mean I am not always studying the dating game (you know you’re in trouble when you’re not dating, but rather, studying the dating game. Oy Vay) for when I do make my triumphant return to some place where woman aren’t into Arab men (I get it, your Mohammad is different– for those of you confused by this aside, I’d be happy to explain it) and where I can brush up on my relationship etiquette. Like who knew that 50% of people expect the first date to end in a kiss! Additionally, if you are in DC, SF or NYC, don’t be alarmed by your singleness. Apparently everyone is sad and single in those cities. Looking for love? Move to Paris. No Duh.
6. Dubai is only an hour away from me. I am relatively certain that Dubai is not nearly as cool as this video makes it out to be, but I’ve only been there once for like 18 hours to see a Selena Gomez concert, so maybe I am wrong. It recently has become the playground for the stars– Gomez, Gigi Hadid, Shay Mitchell, Drake–and they are far more tuned in than I am regarding the hot new thing. Perhaps it is Dubai and perhaps I should go with my friends there in two weekends like they want me to, but from what I can tell, it’s a lot like Doha only bigger. Regardless, the video is cool and takes you on a tour of the Burj Khalifa and other spots of Dubai. It’s like going there, just only for three minutes and that’s probably enough.
7. In what might be the final post of the Dumps forever, allow me to wax poetic about pants for a minute. Pants, in the way a rug ties a room together, really ties an outfit together. I was with my friend Natasha a few weekends back as I was looking to buy some new pants. Once I picked out a pair of pants, I obviously needed a new shirt. Pants are the gateway drug to new outfits. The new CEO of Gap (BRepub & OldNavy) talked about the importance of pants recently and mentioned how in 2008 the Boyfriend jean revolutionized the pant game. I was listing my deal breakers the other day and no joke “Bad pant selection” is easily in the top 5. Anyway CEO was discussing boyfriend jean and looking at new trends (the early 00s are momentarily back in in case you didn’t know) and mentioned that the next big jean is actually the girlfriend jean. Who knew. If you had no idea that pants were so important to things, look no further than this story in the Baffler titled “The Revolution Will Probably Wear Mom Jeans.” It is an entire article about normcore and if you don’t know what Normcore is, I am not sure how you’ve been dumping for so long.
On that note, and 1600 words later, I will call it a day. Thanks for responding and reminding me that these “made your day” or that you “read every link except the ones about the NBA.” I hope you find a different source of random news and useless knowledge. I am still open to sending emails back and forth about anything any time. The final dump was written without any music playing or coffee being drank. It’s weird how some things start and other things finish.
Take care, and all the best.
Sam
Going Missing for Awhile 